


So Much I Need to Say to You

by HandleWithCare



Category: Major Crimes (TV)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Prostitution, Mentions of drugs, Mentions of past abuse (canon), Mentions of past sexual abuse (canon), References to Rusty's past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 05:16:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13827267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandleWithCare/pseuds/HandleWithCare
Summary: "What happens if, once you get to know me better, you stop liking me?"Rusty battles with himself over how and when to talk with Gus about his past.





	So Much I Need to Say to You

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! This is my first fanfiction for the Major Crimes fandom. I've been watching the show since the very beginning and stayed around to the very end. I always loved Rusty because he's such a complex character and his relationship with Gus has always fascinated me. I was kind of sad that the show never addressed how much about Rusty's past Gus was aware of, especially because Gus tends to expect things from Rusty emotionally that Rusty isn't ready to give yet. So, this is a story about Rusty's thought process regarding his past and whether he wants to make the choice to tell Gus about it.
> 
> Obviously, there are references to things from Rusty's past (nothing explicit) that may be hard for some people to read, so if something mentioned in the tags might trigger you, I'd rather you not risk reading it and take care of yourself. 
> 
> This story takes place sometime before season 6, but after Gus and Rusty exchange 'I love you's' for the first time (that scene had me crying btw!!).
> 
> Also, I'm thinking about making this a series of sorts, so, like, important conversations between Gus and Rusty throughout their relationship. Let me know if that sounds like a good idea and if you have any suggestions. Other than that, constructive criticism is always appreciated. You can find me on tumblr @ say-youll-be-there :)

Rusty leaned back against the sofa. He exhaled a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair.

This is it, he thought, I’m finally going to tell Gus everything.

The thought was futile, in a way, though, because he had been telling himself the same thing almost every time he and Gus had been together for the last month or so. He wanted to tell Gus everything, he did, but he was scared. And rightfully so.

The only people in his life who knew anything about him before Stroh, before the LAPD, before Sharon were those who had been there while the events were happening, like his mom and Gary, or those he told because he had to. He loved Sharon, of course he did, and the rest of the team, but he would never have told them as much about his life as they know if given the choice. And they don’t even know everything. Even Emma, who knows all the details, only knows the surface level: what happened, as opposed to what Rusty wants to tell Gus, the how it affected him, how worthless it made him feel, how many nights he cried, and the nights he wanted to but couldn’t find it in him.

He knows Gus would never admit it out loud because Gus is good, too good for him, but he notices when Rusty gets distant all of a sudden. When they cuddle and he starts to slowly move his head from against Gus’ chest to his shoulder and back to the sofa. When Gus starts to tell Rusty something that feels like too much, so he pretends Sharon is calling him. When Gus held his hand in public and he pulled away. He knows its not fair to Gus, but it all becomes too much for him sometimes. He’d never had anyone in his life before that he could count on until Sharon. It took a long time for him to trust her, though, and an even longer time to believe that he was worthy enough to deserve her love and, sometimes, he still doesn’t think he deserves it. But, Sharon knew about his past, and, even if she never says it out loud, she knows that events in his past are probably the explanation for any of his reactions to different means of showing affection. Gus doesn’t know that.

Gus knows that Rusty was homeless. He knows that Gus never judged him for even a second after he found out, especially after everything Marianna had been through. Gus also knows about his mother and Gary and the baby. Rusty had been surprised that that hadn’t driven him away. He had been sure that once Gus saw the mess that had been Rusty’s childhood, he would have been gone, but Gus always manages to surprise him. It’s that surprising that makes Rusty think this conversation might actually go well.

It’s not that he necessarily thinks that Gus will walk out on him once he knows. Gus would never. It’s more that Gus wouldn't leave even if he wanted to, that he would feel compelled to stay with Rusty. He’s afraid Gus will begin to look at him differently, like a victim. He’s seen the way the team looks at him sometimes, especially when they first found out, like he’s fragile and bruised. Even Sharon had looked at him like that, a few times, back when he would still jump when she put a hand on his shoulder or he had a particularly rough session with Dr. Joe. He knows they mean well and they only want to protect him, but all he wants to do is move on, and, when one of them gives him that look, he feels like the helpless and angry sixteen-year-old he barely even recalls ever being.

He’s afraid that one conversation with Gus will turn into a million, as if Gus will assume that Rusty is always open to talking about it when all Rusty wants to do is tell him. One and done. He knows that won’t happen, though, and, to some extent, he’s not completely sure he wants that to happen. He wants to sit down with Gus, with this man who fought for him, despite him constantly pushing back, and be open and honest with him voluntarily. He wants Gus to know what he’s been through and how much it fucked him up and how much it continues to fuck him up sometimes. He wants to be able to cry because he was _so young_. He wants to be able to get angry at how unfair it all was. He wants to feel pride at how far he’s come since that night in the park. Most of all, he wants to show Gus a side of himself he’s never shown to anyone before. He wants Gus to understand why certain things make him uncomfortable or why he can’t watch movies that feature prostitution without wanting to hyperventilate. He wants to be vulnerable with Gus in a way he’s never been with anyone before.

Rusty’s not used to having choices in anything that’s happened in his life. He didn’t ask for his mom to become addicted to drugs. He didn’t ask for Gary and his mom to abandon him. He didn’t want to sleep with any of those men. He didn’t want to become a witness in a murder investigation, even if it was the thing that led to the amazing life he had now. But, even that wasn’t completely true. His life is what it is now because of the things he chose. He chose to trust Sharon and the team. He chose to finish high school and start college. He chose to try to make things right with his mother. He chose to take a chance with Gus. Maybe not all of his choices have been the best, but they were choices he made on his own accord. He’s finally living a life for himself; a life that is so full of promise and love. A life he never dared dream of.

Now, Rusty is making another choice; to be fully transparent with the man he loves and the man he knows loves him, too.

 

At that moment, Gus reenters the living room, sits down on the couch next to him, and smiles.

“Hey, whatcha’ watchin’?” Gus asks, gesturing to the television set.

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Rusty responds.

Gus laughs and grabs the remote to change the channel. Rusty reaches out and gently takes the remote from his hand.

“Actually, can we talk about something?” Rusty begins, immediately rephrasing when he sees the panic on Gus’ face. “Not about us or our, um, us, no, about something else. About me.”

Gus lets out a breath of relief, but then quickly begins to look concerned. “Oh? Sure. Are you okay?”

Rusty tries to push away his nerves, but eventually gives up, nods, and smiles a bit.

 “Yeah, I am, and I hope this will make me even better.”


End file.
